Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Summer 2010

So.......It's summer :) For most college students in the United States anyway. The first year was......fast o.o Jeez, I miss the beginning of the year. I felt like I had so many friends on campus.....now I have 2-3. Partially due to commuting of course. Errrrrrg.
My big "dilemma" this week is this "blind date" I have tomorrow. My DAD set it up. He calls me when I'm taking a walk with my cousin, and says "Hey, I bought tickets for the Phillies. You're going with this 21-year-old I work with. He's handsome and has great work ethic." WHAT!?!?!?!? I didn't ask you to play match-maker! WHY!?!?! Of course, all you sentimentalists (like me....normally) will say "aww, but he's only being a parent! He cares for you." That well may be, but I DON'T WANT THIS. I bet if you told almost any other parent you're not interested, they'll back out of the deal. NO. HE DOESN'T. He even bought the Phillies tickets BEFORE telling me. He even told that kid before me. What the hell. We don't have too good of a relationship to start with, now he's only making it worse.
This kid seems really nice, like a quality guy and all. I just CAN'T STAND the awkwardness of a blind date. I took a blind date to the junior prom, and it was the frickin most awkward night of my life. I don't want this. Not again.
The past few days have been like this" me complaining like the world is ending. Today, I've been really chill about it. Hey, there's no way of backing out of it, might as well not worry. What can I do? This kid is obviously not a bad person, and we're just going out to watch a baseball game (did I mention that I HATE watching sports? I'm, unfortunately, pretty damn impatient). I hope I don't sound like a brat. You'd have to know the emotional abuse this man puts on our entire family. I won't leave the house if that means passing him. It's terribly unfortunate....And I feel horrible about it, but he does this to himself. Well, this sucks.

On a lighter note, I am currently majoring in Art History, because my London preview trip was (almost) a success (I didn't see ABBEY ROAD O_O). My group went to the Victoria & Albert Museum, and I absolutely LOVED it. Hence, my major. I feel like this is temporary. Who knows. I'm trying not to worry about it. I worry all the time. I just need to relax -_-
Oh yea, I'm planning on going to London for Spring semester :)

Friday, November 27, 2009

The most dedicated person in the entire world....

...Is obviously not me. Wow, it's been a while.

It's been a strange year so far. Never have I doubted myself and my decisions so much in my life. Everything started out amazing; I felt like I was truly blessed with having found the perfect college. I had an amazing friend group, the classes were fantastic, and the campus was gorgeous. Now, my friend group has disintegrated and went their separate ways, the classes are still pretty decent, and the campus' beauty doesn't make up for the fact that I'm commuting/ the fact I'm only 15 minutes away. Yup, I'm still a bit torn about that. See, next semester (or year) I don't know if I really want to live on campus anymore. What the hell would I do there? It's such a tiny campus! Plus, I'm beginning to see the pros to living at home. I have no idea what to do, so I'm just going to commute and continue my anti-social life. At least my closest friends at school are so sweet, or else I would be completely consumed by my doubts.
I want to leave. I feel like it's time to go somewhere far away. Now. I love my family and friends, but I feel like my life is seriously lacking adventure- I want to learn about a new place, and myself. I want something exotic and new to talk about besides my obsessions. As much as I love John, Paul, George, Ringo, Pete, Tommy, Joey, Mike, etc I just can't do it with a sincerely happy face anymore. I do love them to pieces, however, and they still make me happy. But I should be concentrating on getting out of here and doing my best in school. I want to drive into Philly.....just me, and learn about Philadelphia's rich history that's unfortunately drowned in blood and bullets.
This problem, however, will be solved in March. I'm going, for a week, to London with my school. I am so excited to go. But, of course, I have my parade of doubts beginning with my anxiety attacks. Anxiety disorder is not a "breathe deep a few times, think of unicorns and kittens, and you're good" sort of thing. It's totally in your own head, and it's a lot more difficult to deal with when you can't breathe. At the same time, may be my traveling to somewhere so far away will ease me of this disorder. I hope so.
May be i'll also find myself (more cliches alert). I have no idea who I am and what my abilities are, so I can take advantage of them and be proud of myself. Right now, I have no idea what lies ahead of me; major and career wise especially. Nothing seems to keep my interest enough. When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian, a Chef, and an Astronomer- not at the same time of course. As much as I love animals, I can't put them down and break the news to the owners. Cooking is the most realistic out of the three. And Astronomy....I love it, but (like blogging) I'm just not dedicated enough. I am terrible at every science and math, therefore, no astronomy. I have tried applying my interests to career ideas, but nothing works. I admire good writing, but I'm not a good writer. I love music, but I can't read it, and I am very picky with what I listen to (in other words; I dislike modern music with a fiery passion of 1000 suns), and........erm......I'm stumped.
May be my school isn't right for me. May be i can transfer? Or I can spend my time at Arcadia in England for a semester or two. With MY dad as one of my parents, it's very unlikely i'll transfer. Sometimes, when you feel like you're doing the right thing, he'll convince you that you are wrong. If you don't do it for that reason, you'll feel like a loser. If you do it, he'll continue doubting you until you loose all self-esteem. However, at the same time, he neverstops loving you as much as a father could. I want another chance to start over again. As i've stressed before, it would be a lot easier to be social in college if I lived there- that's the plus side to dorming on campus.

As usual I'm lost.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Dances are not for me XP

Another wonderful day at college :D However, it started weird, and end weird.
I must've woke up, turned off my alarm, and went back to sleep. Breakfast was 7:30-9:00 am, we had a optional/recommended OL meeting at 8:45 am, and an optional/recommended seminar starting at 9:00 am. My roomie ended up waking me up at 9:00 am. We were freaking out, and I felt so bad! But all was forgiven as we rushed to get ready. Once we were somewhat ready, we rushed outside to find the first seminar of the day. We chose one that had to do with studying abroad, but we couldn't find the building! So we were running when we were about to pass this van displaying our college's name and logo on it, and the man inside started talking to us, saying we looked like freshman. He offered us a ride to the proper building (he obviously worked there). My roomie was thinking "awesome.....wait....but stranger-danger...." as I jumped at the oppertunity and ran to the passenger side! Hmmmm......Getting to class on time or being kidnapped....hmmmm XD So, we got there about 10 minutes late, but it wasn't bad or anything, we got the jist. The rest of the day was great.
We had this man named Michael Fowlin come to the university. He's been to my high school before, so I got REALLY excited when I saw his name. Like, REALLY excited. He is so amazing and inspiring. He talks about the things people don't have the guts to talk about, regarding discrimination, judging people, etc. He's like a comedian therapist who gives free hugs :) (I got one!!!). His talk brought me down, then put me back up again. It's so weird, but a wonderful experience. Look him up on youtube. You'll be wowed.
After that, I went to my friend's dorm and chilled. That's where I started getting in this odd mood. I was happy yet unhappy. I was happy to be with awesome people who like me, but was unhappy because I didn't feel like I fit in. They're super nice, kinda artsy, and hilarious, and I'm.......not hilarious....among many other things.
I am so incredibly picky, and I hate it. 'm just not open to certain things. I try them, but they just don;t appeal. Like broadway shows, or other bands, TV shows, whatever! I never like anything mainstream, and it can bug the hell out of me. I want to relate to people so I can have more friends. I'd love that so much. To have a wide variety of friends with different interests and backgrounds. I am inconceivably shy, it's not even funny. I don't know what to say to people. I've been getting better at this, but I'm still not the best :/
I want to like things everyone else likes, yet still be myself, which is possible. But I don't know if it's possible to learn to like things like that.
Later, my buds and I went to the first dance. Everyone had s much fun. Except me. I HATE dances. The music sucks. I hate the dancing. I dance my own way to my music. I wanted to stay because everyone was there and I wanted to keep talking, but the crap-they-call-music made that nearly impossible. I went outside a few times to get away. But it was raining. I wanted to go back to my dorm but it locks after 7pm for commuters. Like, what the hell? That's SO not fair. I wanted to go back so bad. I was done for the night, but I kept a smile on my face because I'm at college. A college I love to pieces!
In conclusion, I hate being so different. I like being different, but not to the point where I have nothing in common with everyone (It SO doesn't help that i'm effing commuting). I want to love "Lost", MGMT, Pokemon, Anime, Cosplay, dancing (yes, even grinding at this point.....wait, I take that back XP), the Killers (my mom has that covered XD), Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, etc....
I like The Beatles, Monkees, Badfinger, Fleetwood Mac, Grass Roots, fashion, Greek Mythology, That 70's show, Full House, Green Acres, Astronomy, Disney's Hercules, Ghostbusters, ET, The Parent Trap, and that's all I can think of. Badfinger is a huge part of my life, and no one has even heard of them. I LOVE the Monkees, no one has heard of them. Forget about all the rest. The only one that's just a tad popular on campus is That 70's Show. The second is Full House or the Beatles. Damn my pickiness. I wish I wasn't picky. :P
Michael Fowlin's big thing today was about feeling like you don't fit in. That's totally me. I feel different, but not in a way that I feel like people make fun of me. I know they don;t hate me or anything. It's more of what my differences and preferences do to myself. I feel isolated. I feel like I'm on a deserted tropic island (my college) dancing to my music and being happy, until I look into the distance to see a larger island with everyone else on it having a blast. If I don;t do something about this soon, I'll probably become even more introverted. I need help liking more things, yet to be true to myself in the meantime. Why can't I be more "normal" regarding to my accidentally anti-social personality?

But I still love my college. It's the best. Wish me luck :]

Friday, August 28, 2009

The beginning of the rest of my life :D

Today, well, technically yesterday in a minute (yes, it's 11:59 pm right now), I started college. Well, new student orientation at least. I Was uber excited when I woke up to realize that it was the day. THE DAY. You see, I'm commuting, but they let commuters stay overnight for a few days. I brought SO much with me, just in case. I was right to overpack. And it's only the first day. Well, now second day.
I began to realize how hesitant and scared I was when we finally reached the campus. Thankfully, it all blew over, and I felt content. I can't tel you how happy I am to be here right now. I feel like i'm really on my way.
The day started with information sessions, and room assignments. Not bad. Then, we were separated into random groups where we played "get to know you" games. That's basically what we did all day, and it was great.
They had this huge.....Thing in the gym area. It was a THING. I can;t really figure out what else to call it. It was a "break the ice" sort of thing. It was so cool. We entered the gym to a bunch of orientation leaders cheering us on. One by one, each student walked through the hallway of older students, and joined them for other students to walk through (if that makes any sense). Music was blasting (they even played "Birthday" by the Beatles!) It was wonderful, but slightly awkward *cough*HUMAN CHAIR *uncough* But it definitely worked.
Right after, everyone headed over to what they call "The Chat" for a comedian named Dave Binder. Look him up, and watch him. He's amazing. His routine was designed for college students, and the OLs love him. He was interactive with the audience, like he got them to dance to his version of the "Fast food song"! Frickin' awesome. He had us do "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes", even. Then, he had us do it to our partners (awkward), then, had us find two more partners, and do it with our backs on them (even more awkward). I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense at all, but it's late, and I want to go to bed, but I want to get this all out too.
I finally feel like an adult. It's crazy. I feel like I can do anything I want now (I basically can) and do it right. It's crazy. I've never felt like this before. I feel like I changed over the past day. I like it. I'm actually sort of proud.
Well, goodnight! Can't wait to meet more people tomorrow :D

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I'm new again!

Hi to anyone who's reading. I don't expect many (if any) readers, but here's hoping!
By the way, the name's Joey- how ya doin'?

My main reason for starting this little blog is for my self-improvement.

"Why now?" You may ask.

I'm about two weeks away from becoming an official college freshman at a university about 10 minutes away from me (needless to say, I'm commuting). My best friend since second grade just left for her college early this morning. I said "goodbye" to her last night. The moment I walked back into my room, I felt like a very stubborn page had finally turned in my late-blooming book of life. I felt older, more responsible, yet not at the same time. I had the sudden urge to give my precious beanie babies (over 200 under my bed) away to charity. I knew this was only the beginning. I wanted to go with this feeling so bad.

My childhood had passed. My life as an "adult" had just begun.

You may be wondering why "adult" is in quotations. It's because there is still too much child in me to let myself call myself an adult. Whether that sentence made sense or not is beyond me.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, this blog was started to mark my progress. Progress? Yes, progress. I'm not the most self-confident person, yet I'm not afraid to be different. I love my automatic need to express my uniqueness (which everyone possesses-whether they flow with it or keep it in out of fear of being verbally mamed). For a while, I feel like I almost "pitied" people who didn't use their sense of uniqueness. I hated it. I hated myself for it. This summer, I've realized more people let it show then not: It's just their way of showing it that made it invisible in my eyes.

I want to be more outgoing and experimental. My wardrobe is gradually changing from hippie to boho/modern chic-ish. I'm loving this change. I want to experiment with music- I am WAY past picky with music. For me to fall in love with a band, they need to be from the '60s or '70s. I'm not into bands like Led Zepplin (honestly- nothing against them! Hard [classic] rock is not really my thing, I guess). I love the Beatles with all my heart. However, I've recently been sharing my heart with The Grass Roots, Badfinger, Fleetwood Mac, and the Monkees. See. I want to experiment with bands like Led Zepplin and Indie and etc....

I want to be more dedicated. Especially to my music. I play guitar, and I love it. I want to have the need to pick it up and jam. But some days, I'm just not in the mood. I want to be in the "write music and play guitar" mood always. It's something I really want to do. For Pete and Tommy.

I want to stop procrastinating. This is college a.k.a reality. I need to stop this habit.

I want to eat healthier.

I want to relax. I have anxiety disorder. It is certainly not a walk in the park.

I tend to obsess. I obsess over my bands, and over little mistakes. I want to obsess less.

I want to become less like my dad. He's lazy, loud, depressed, and obsessive with little things. I want to be active, a little more on the quite side, but with a happy-go-lucky attitude.

I want to stop getting myself worked up over going to work. I'm currently working two jobs, and both make me want to curl up in a ball before I even go in. But, when I'm in, I'm fine unless they keep me for too long (is it appropriate to say I believe I have ADD?)

With this blog, I want to say to the world, and more importantly myself "I can do anything!" I feel like I truely can, however, whether my time-machine makes it past my imagination is still questionable.

POGS- Peace out girl scouts- as my mom loves to say.