Friday, November 27, 2009

The most dedicated person in the entire world....

...Is obviously not me. Wow, it's been a while.

It's been a strange year so far. Never have I doubted myself and my decisions so much in my life. Everything started out amazing; I felt like I was truly blessed with having found the perfect college. I had an amazing friend group, the classes were fantastic, and the campus was gorgeous. Now, my friend group has disintegrated and went their separate ways, the classes are still pretty decent, and the campus' beauty doesn't make up for the fact that I'm commuting/ the fact I'm only 15 minutes away. Yup, I'm still a bit torn about that. See, next semester (or year) I don't know if I really want to live on campus anymore. What the hell would I do there? It's such a tiny campus! Plus, I'm beginning to see the pros to living at home. I have no idea what to do, so I'm just going to commute and continue my anti-social life. At least my closest friends at school are so sweet, or else I would be completely consumed by my doubts.
I want to leave. I feel like it's time to go somewhere far away. Now. I love my family and friends, but I feel like my life is seriously lacking adventure- I want to learn about a new place, and myself. I want something exotic and new to talk about besides my obsessions. As much as I love John, Paul, George, Ringo, Pete, Tommy, Joey, Mike, etc I just can't do it with a sincerely happy face anymore. I do love them to pieces, however, and they still make me happy. But I should be concentrating on getting out of here and doing my best in school. I want to drive into Philly.....just me, and learn about Philadelphia's rich history that's unfortunately drowned in blood and bullets.
This problem, however, will be solved in March. I'm going, for a week, to London with my school. I am so excited to go. But, of course, I have my parade of doubts beginning with my anxiety attacks. Anxiety disorder is not a "breathe deep a few times, think of unicorns and kittens, and you're good" sort of thing. It's totally in your own head, and it's a lot more difficult to deal with when you can't breathe. At the same time, may be my traveling to somewhere so far away will ease me of this disorder. I hope so.
May be i'll also find myself (more cliches alert). I have no idea who I am and what my abilities are, so I can take advantage of them and be proud of myself. Right now, I have no idea what lies ahead of me; major and career wise especially. Nothing seems to keep my interest enough. When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian, a Chef, and an Astronomer- not at the same time of course. As much as I love animals, I can't put them down and break the news to the owners. Cooking is the most realistic out of the three. And Astronomy....I love it, but (like blogging) I'm just not dedicated enough. I am terrible at every science and math, therefore, no astronomy. I have tried applying my interests to career ideas, but nothing works. I admire good writing, but I'm not a good writer. I love music, but I can't read it, and I am very picky with what I listen to (in other words; I dislike modern music with a fiery passion of 1000 suns), and........erm......I'm stumped.
May be my school isn't right for me. May be i can transfer? Or I can spend my time at Arcadia in England for a semester or two. With MY dad as one of my parents, it's very unlikely i'll transfer. Sometimes, when you feel like you're doing the right thing, he'll convince you that you are wrong. If you don't do it for that reason, you'll feel like a loser. If you do it, he'll continue doubting you until you loose all self-esteem. However, at the same time, he neverstops loving you as much as a father could. I want another chance to start over again. As i've stressed before, it would be a lot easier to be social in college if I lived there- that's the plus side to dorming on campus.

As usual I'm lost.

No comments:

Post a Comment